I have to examine myself and ask why I buy (or bought) into...
I think that ultimately everyone needs something to belong to. Some feeling of family, community, and ritual. I bought into many things I no longer can believe in because ultimately I found a group of people that I wanted to belong to. The friends and community I found were so great that I would do anything, believe anything, in order to keep them. I now realize how eager to please I was, how foolish, how hasty.
Faith is different than religion. Belonging to a group affiliated with a religion is also much different than faith or religion. It's a problem of interpretation and worldview. I have worked with 4 different groups within the same "religion" and their views, ideals, and values that they glean and stamp as "this is being religious/Catholic" are completely different. Therefore I conclude that there is not an answer to what it means in terms of comprehensive moral/value system and worldview.
I have been associated with 3 "Outreach Ministries" and each had their own views on what "evangelization" really meant and how to go about it. Isn't it as simple as loving people? Doesn't that mean more for doing God's work than anything related to your specific interpretation of dogma or religion? Why can't we simply meet people where they are, and love them unconditionally.... why must we push them into a cookie cutter of behavior? Isn't loving people more important than anything? I am done with "moral authority" and arrogant views of 'saving people' and 'holier than thou' concepts. I'm going back to the only square that matters, loving others for exactly who they are, not who we want them to be.
at this point I have seen the contradictions and am forced to forge my own path as to what being a person of faith means. My faith has given me much, but it has stripped me of much. This is why I must restart, I must trust that my faith will fix me and I will find my answers.
As for the starting point, I only have one core belief to start on, love.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Problems and Contradictions
I've been thinking long and hard about my concept of religion and my involvement with it. I have come up with some problems and contradictions that will need to be resolved if I am to continue....
- Being a cradle Catholic (or cradle anything for that matter) tends to do a few harmful things to spirituality, at least in my experience. It teaches you not to ask the hard questions and to accept textbook answers. It puts God and your own spirituality in a box, and doesn't breed non-conformity and experimentation. It tells you how to pray, and what to pray, and to whom to pray... essentially some people's teaching of religion prevents you from searching on a path other than a prescribed one.
- It asks you to believe in something simply because other people have said it is so. I feel sometimes like we are to believe in things without question, without exploration, simply because we are asked to believe that it is "truth"
- It lays out a set of rules and a way of living and classifies it as "Catholic Living." Perhaps this is a clash between conservative values and my own. But I still have conflict with being told I am not living "Christian" because my interpretation of values and worldview does not match up with the "rules" or a certain person or organization's interpretation of what it means.
all for right now.
- Being a cradle Catholic (or cradle anything for that matter) tends to do a few harmful things to spirituality, at least in my experience. It teaches you not to ask the hard questions and to accept textbook answers. It puts God and your own spirituality in a box, and doesn't breed non-conformity and experimentation. It tells you how to pray, and what to pray, and to whom to pray... essentially some people's teaching of religion prevents you from searching on a path other than a prescribed one.
- It asks you to believe in something simply because other people have said it is so. I feel sometimes like we are to believe in things without question, without exploration, simply because we are asked to believe that it is "truth"
- It lays out a set of rules and a way of living and classifies it as "Catholic Living." Perhaps this is a clash between conservative values and my own. But I still have conflict with being told I am not living "Christian" because my interpretation of values and worldview does not match up with the "rules" or a certain person or organization's interpretation of what it means.
all for right now.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
First Step - There exists a spiritual force, God
I'm going on the belief that there is in fact a God, he/she exists. This isn't just blind faith, there are several proofs, but I'm going on what I come to see as a truth about human nature that necessitates God.
1.) I'm disregarding the creationist or evolutionist theories, how we got here is immaterial. We exist.
2.) Mankind possesses capacity and characteristics that are counter-survival, and therefore not a result of direct evolutionary nature.
a.) Love - love is an irrational force that does not contribute to the survival of the species. The capacity for love makes man risk, dare, sacrifice, and be vulnerable. Love also leads to the exclusivity of marriage, dating, etc. that is in counter to the instinct of a species to procreate as much as possible with disregard to romance or exclusivity (unless rival males are fighting for dominance, etc.)
b.) Most of the spectrum of human emotion are counter-survival. Grief, jealously, anger, guilt, joy, excitement, etc. are all things that put humans in vulnerable states of mind and experience, they all compromise vigilance.
3.) Existential Thought. - the very fact that I can think about a higher type of power can mean that it exists. The capacity for existential thought cannot be accounted for by scientific method. It is counter-survival, doesn't serve to benefit the species physically. In my mind it can only be explained as the compass given to us to find something... and that something I believe is God.
4.) The Human Spirit and Longing -- I hunger b/c I need to eat. I thirst b/c I need to drink. I long for wholeness because I require purpose and meaning to live. I long for something that I cannot provide solely within myself. This longing to me also suggests that the thing I am longing for and seeking exists.
I could go on, but that's part of it. I'm starting with my belief that God does exist.
Now it's on to the harder part.... finding where God's footprints are left in this world, where the clues to finding a sense of God lay.
I've been raised as a Catholic... I considered myself a Catholic and a Christian. However I no longer know what that even means.
My gifts and restlessness as a seeker lead me to believe there is something I need to find, and that God is not meant to be put into a box by institutions and those who claim to be the interpreters of "right" and "wrong" from here on out, I will let God move me to my ends.
1.) I'm disregarding the creationist or evolutionist theories, how we got here is immaterial. We exist.
2.) Mankind possesses capacity and characteristics that are counter-survival, and therefore not a result of direct evolutionary nature.
a.) Love - love is an irrational force that does not contribute to the survival of the species. The capacity for love makes man risk, dare, sacrifice, and be vulnerable. Love also leads to the exclusivity of marriage, dating, etc. that is in counter to the instinct of a species to procreate as much as possible with disregard to romance or exclusivity (unless rival males are fighting for dominance, etc.)
b.) Most of the spectrum of human emotion are counter-survival. Grief, jealously, anger, guilt, joy, excitement, etc. are all things that put humans in vulnerable states of mind and experience, they all compromise vigilance.
3.) Existential Thought. - the very fact that I can think about a higher type of power can mean that it exists. The capacity for existential thought cannot be accounted for by scientific method. It is counter-survival, doesn't serve to benefit the species physically. In my mind it can only be explained as the compass given to us to find something... and that something I believe is God.
4.) The Human Spirit and Longing -- I hunger b/c I need to eat. I thirst b/c I need to drink. I long for wholeness because I require purpose and meaning to live. I long for something that I cannot provide solely within myself. This longing to me also suggests that the thing I am longing for and seeking exists.
I could go on, but that's part of it. I'm starting with my belief that God does exist.
Now it's on to the harder part.... finding where God's footprints are left in this world, where the clues to finding a sense of God lay.
I've been raised as a Catholic... I considered myself a Catholic and a Christian. However I no longer know what that even means.
My gifts and restlessness as a seeker lead me to believe there is something I need to find, and that God is not meant to be put into a box by institutions and those who claim to be the interpreters of "right" and "wrong" from here on out, I will let God move me to my ends.
Square One
I've decided to move forward by starting over spiritually. I'm throwing out everything I've been taught and grown up with. I can no longer belong to a creed because of a need for a sense of belonging and ritual.... It's time to reexamine my religious beliefs and affiliation. I am actually surprised and saddened that most of my religious beliefs come from other people's interpretations of what being "Christian" means and I need to take perspective on this. It's time to see how well this sense of tradition holds up, it's finally time to find the God who is...
I'm scared to death, but this has to be done.
I'm scared to death, but this has to be done.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Spiritual Freedom
Freedom. It is something that has as many definitions as there are people. There is political freedom, our rights and protections against oppression by force or tyranny of the majority. There is freedom of consciousness, liberation from cultural norms and standards that are imposed upon us by the cultural minefield of societal relations. There is freedom of thought, to allow ourselves to be open to the ever flowing river of ideas and ideologies that we are exposed to in our lives. But what is true freedom for the seeker? What is freedom of spirituality?
True freedom is like a leaf on the wind. There is a sense of trust within the leaf; that the unpredictable winds move with purpose to carry it where is it meant to travel and eventually rest. The leaf on the wind soars because it does not fight the wind, it does not cling to the ground or the tree from which it comes. It lets go of where its nature and its time on the tree has shown it where it should be and how it must exist. It lets go of all other considerations and pressures except for the indomitable will of the winds of change.
So often we cling to our own chains for a sense of security. The man in the cell knows his routine, his days, and his values. We hold onto our upbringing and values instilled in us by our parents and what our life experiences have told us what we should be. We let others impose their values and beliefs on us, and we fear becoming outsiders if we do not follow a group or individual’s definition of right and wrong. We fundamentally fear doing what we believe because it goes against the foundation of whatever institutional beliefs we attempt to cling to.
Within all of us, there exists a point where we are infused with a divine spark, that which makes us human. That point is where we can be moved as the leaf on the wind. Freedom is in listening only to that voice of God inside, the voice and knowledge that moves us towards our purpose if only we can listen. If you have the courage and the trust to listen and act upon that voice, nothing can touch or harm you. No amount of pressure or condemnation can bring you down; you can soar far above the storm that brews below. Trust in that wind, God in the deepest reaches of your soul. Trust in the gifts that God instilled in you to become the seeker of truth. God is revealed everywhere, if only we can step away from our narrow scopes. If you follow what you are moved to do and believe, you can trust and believe that you are doing right, living as God intended you. No two seekers will follow the same path or the same beliefs, but we all must recognize that we all seek the same goal in our own unique way. God leads us to our path; each must choose to follow that path according to our own gifts, God lays us each our own way to follow.
The community of seekers all walk through the same trials, doubts, and struggles of faith and life. We must support each other in our ventures, and trust in each other to rightly judge the path laid before them. Love is our goal, trust is our weapon, faith is our guide. Together we are strong, individually we are mighty. God will show you your way, if only you can quiet your heart and mind to hear him and the trust to follow your heart no matter what waves crash about you…
My Lord God,I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all
that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you
will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death, I will
not fear, for you are ever with me
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
~Thomas Merton
True freedom is like a leaf on the wind. There is a sense of trust within the leaf; that the unpredictable winds move with purpose to carry it where is it meant to travel and eventually rest. The leaf on the wind soars because it does not fight the wind, it does not cling to the ground or the tree from which it comes. It lets go of where its nature and its time on the tree has shown it where it should be and how it must exist. It lets go of all other considerations and pressures except for the indomitable will of the winds of change.
So often we cling to our own chains for a sense of security. The man in the cell knows his routine, his days, and his values. We hold onto our upbringing and values instilled in us by our parents and what our life experiences have told us what we should be. We let others impose their values and beliefs on us, and we fear becoming outsiders if we do not follow a group or individual’s definition of right and wrong. We fundamentally fear doing what we believe because it goes against the foundation of whatever institutional beliefs we attempt to cling to.
Within all of us, there exists a point where we are infused with a divine spark, that which makes us human. That point is where we can be moved as the leaf on the wind. Freedom is in listening only to that voice of God inside, the voice and knowledge that moves us towards our purpose if only we can listen. If you have the courage and the trust to listen and act upon that voice, nothing can touch or harm you. No amount of pressure or condemnation can bring you down; you can soar far above the storm that brews below. Trust in that wind, God in the deepest reaches of your soul. Trust in the gifts that God instilled in you to become the seeker of truth. God is revealed everywhere, if only we can step away from our narrow scopes. If you follow what you are moved to do and believe, you can trust and believe that you are doing right, living as God intended you. No two seekers will follow the same path or the same beliefs, but we all must recognize that we all seek the same goal in our own unique way. God leads us to our path; each must choose to follow that path according to our own gifts, God lays us each our own way to follow.
The community of seekers all walk through the same trials, doubts, and struggles of faith and life. We must support each other in our ventures, and trust in each other to rightly judge the path laid before them. Love is our goal, trust is our weapon, faith is our guide. Together we are strong, individually we are mighty. God will show you your way, if only you can quiet your heart and mind to hear him and the trust to follow your heart no matter what waves crash about you…
My Lord God,I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all
that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you
will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death, I will
not fear, for you are ever with me
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
~Thomas Merton
They Never Walk Alone
There are times in life when we feel that we are walking scared and alone down a dark and lonely road. When we’re in a dead end and see no way out. When we lose someone we love. When we are hurting and feel the pain will never end. When we fall and no one catches us. When we cry alone. When we meet overwhelming obstacles. When we fight. When we strike out on our own. When we meet with tragedy. When our lives are unfair. When the weight of the world crashes down around us…
But the road only seems dark and lonely until you raise your eyes from the ground. Then you’ll see the ones who love you and the ones you love walking with you, side by side. Then you’ll see the ones who have gone before you lighting your way. Then you’ll see the one who loves you most behind you, urging you down the right path, ready to catch you when you fall.
In the end, it is up to each one of us to realize that the road is only dark if we choose it. The journey lonely only if we don’t have the courage to ask for help. The path endless only if we only live for ourselves.
The road we walk is the road we choose, and we never walk alone…
But the road only seems dark and lonely until you raise your eyes from the ground. Then you’ll see the ones who love you and the ones you love walking with you, side by side. Then you’ll see the ones who have gone before you lighting your way. Then you’ll see the one who loves you most behind you, urging you down the right path, ready to catch you when you fall.
In the end, it is up to each one of us to realize that the road is only dark if we choose it. The journey lonely only if we don’t have the courage to ask for help. The path endless only if we only live for ourselves.
The road we walk is the road we choose, and we never walk alone…
Second Chances
Life is all about second chances, but those real chances are rare in life. If you’ve been down in the darkness, then you understand how hard it is to climb out. It gets harder the further you fall because fewer and fewer people are willing to risk their hand to pull you out. Soon the world becomes a harsh and unforgiving place, a place without hope.
But if there is one thing I have learned it is this. It only takes one. It only takes one risk, one chance, one person with eyes to see beyond, just one hand to forgive and forget. This kind of person is rare, because so much of our view is clouded by reputations gained in our pasts. But those with the vision of the heart have a gift. This gift allows them to see through the pain, see through to the best in each of us. The vision of the heart allows the seer to call out the people we are meant to be.
But if there is one thing I have learned it is this. It only takes one. It only takes one risk, one chance, one person with eyes to see beyond, just one hand to forgive and forget. This kind of person is rare, because so much of our view is clouded by reputations gained in our pasts. But those with the vision of the heart have a gift. This gift allows them to see through the pain, see through to the best in each of us. The vision of the heart allows the seer to call out the people we are meant to be.
Talk Given at a "7 Last Words" Service
Luke 23:46
And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit." Having said this, He breathed His last.
I want everyone to close their eyes for a moment… think about everything that you have going on; tests, relationships, papers, problems, hurts, wants, plans, failures…. Now…Let Go…. Just Let Go of everything in your life…
Not that easy is it? We spend our lives in perpetual worry and perpetual planning. We have a plan for tomorrow, for the week, for the next 5 years, for our entire lives. But where are we going? Does any one of us really know… consider what has brought you here tonight, the topsy turvy series of events that have brought you to this exact moment in time at this place however wayward you might be from home. It seems like just coincidence, But there is order amidst this chaos that is our lives and it is lying somewhere just beneath the surface, invisible to the ordinary eye. Chaos, yet there is a seemingly impossible coincidence that we are all here tonight sharing this moment. There is a simple answer for this, but one that is impossible to comprehend, the will of the Father.
In England, when you are getting off of the trains, the famous line that the London train conductors always say is “Mind the gap.” “Mind the Gap,” this is because the platforms run straight and the train tracks curve and wind, creating this ‘gap’ to mind while stepping off of the train. We can think of ourselves in this way, the curving of our lives winding in and out, sometimes coming in line with the platforms, sometimes not. But this phrase…”mind the gap…” how wide has the gap grown between God’s will and our own plans?
Where is our will taking us? Sometimes we think that we are bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, and talented enough to do things our own way. We make our plans, believe in our own strength and pride… and the gap widens. Even when we fail we chalk it up to our own failure or circumstances, constantly believing in our own power. But we will never succeed living our lives in this way. The book of Job says that “a man without God is trusting in a spider’s web, everything he counts on will collapse.” Yet we still separate ourselves and allow our own impulsive will to triumph.
We can even grow so far that we are no longer mindful of the rejection of God and the ever widening gap. Our lack of trust is astounding, that we actually can believe that we can do better than the one who endowed us with all we are. We don’t trust our Father, we lack the eyes to see that we are created with purpose and we lack the faith to trust in that purpose.
But how can we trust in what we cannot be sure of? How hard is it to give everything up? How impossible is it to seek and submit to the will of the father? To give your life totally to God’s plan? It’s difficult, but the roadmap to follow has already been written by someone who was fully human.
Jesus gave his last breath as an offering to the divine will of his Father. Yet this final word, his last act on this earth as the Jesus Christ he was wasn’t a revelation, it was an exclamation point. Everything in his life had led to that one moment; Jesus had always commended his spirit to the will of God. From Jerusalem as a child to his last moments at Golgotha, Jesus had dedicated his life fully to God’s plan for him. There is no secret, no magic formula, or instant grace for us to stand up and yell ‘FATHER INTO YOUR HANDS I COMMEND MY SPIRIT.’ We make the choice every minute of every day who we are going to be and what we are going to believe in. We will know by the turmoil or peace in our hearts if we are commending our spirits. We must live our lives commended as Christ did, the choices we make; what we do and fail to do; dictate your level of trust and surrender to what God calls you to be.
We must trust as Christ did, fully believing that God is constantly at work for our good if we love him. We need to build up this trust; we need to earn the trust and respect that God has given us. We must trust through doubts and fear, as Christ did at Gethsemane. We must rededicate ourselves every day no matter the circumstance, we must trust through our lives so that at our end we can use our final breath to commend ourselves for the final time.
Jesus Christ gave his last full measure of devotion to the will of God. Total trust, even in the face of torture, death, and uncertainty. Christ was human, he came to show us that we can do it. We have been shown the way by all those Saints who have come before us. Ultimately we must trust our God because he knows us, he knew us before we were, he knows what we are meant to be. We are called to live our lives for the fullness of the grace and gifts we have been given by our existence. To do this, we must trust in our God, commend our lives daily to him whatever the cost, and mind the gap between our plans and God’s. Trust in tomorrow, the sun will rise. Trust in hope, we will be saved. Trust in your Father, you will be rewarded. Let go, your path will be lit before you. Commend your spirit every moment, and you will find your purpose.
And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit." Having said this, He breathed His last.
I want everyone to close their eyes for a moment… think about everything that you have going on; tests, relationships, papers, problems, hurts, wants, plans, failures…. Now…Let Go…. Just Let Go of everything in your life…
Not that easy is it? We spend our lives in perpetual worry and perpetual planning. We have a plan for tomorrow, for the week, for the next 5 years, for our entire lives. But where are we going? Does any one of us really know… consider what has brought you here tonight, the topsy turvy series of events that have brought you to this exact moment in time at this place however wayward you might be from home. It seems like just coincidence, But there is order amidst this chaos that is our lives and it is lying somewhere just beneath the surface, invisible to the ordinary eye. Chaos, yet there is a seemingly impossible coincidence that we are all here tonight sharing this moment. There is a simple answer for this, but one that is impossible to comprehend, the will of the Father.
In England, when you are getting off of the trains, the famous line that the London train conductors always say is “Mind the gap.” “Mind the Gap,” this is because the platforms run straight and the train tracks curve and wind, creating this ‘gap’ to mind while stepping off of the train. We can think of ourselves in this way, the curving of our lives winding in and out, sometimes coming in line with the platforms, sometimes not. But this phrase…”mind the gap…” how wide has the gap grown between God’s will and our own plans?
Where is our will taking us? Sometimes we think that we are bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, and talented enough to do things our own way. We make our plans, believe in our own strength and pride… and the gap widens. Even when we fail we chalk it up to our own failure or circumstances, constantly believing in our own power. But we will never succeed living our lives in this way. The book of Job says that “a man without God is trusting in a spider’s web, everything he counts on will collapse.” Yet we still separate ourselves and allow our own impulsive will to triumph.
We can even grow so far that we are no longer mindful of the rejection of God and the ever widening gap. Our lack of trust is astounding, that we actually can believe that we can do better than the one who endowed us with all we are. We don’t trust our Father, we lack the eyes to see that we are created with purpose and we lack the faith to trust in that purpose.
But how can we trust in what we cannot be sure of? How hard is it to give everything up? How impossible is it to seek and submit to the will of the father? To give your life totally to God’s plan? It’s difficult, but the roadmap to follow has already been written by someone who was fully human.
Jesus gave his last breath as an offering to the divine will of his Father. Yet this final word, his last act on this earth as the Jesus Christ he was wasn’t a revelation, it was an exclamation point. Everything in his life had led to that one moment; Jesus had always commended his spirit to the will of God. From Jerusalem as a child to his last moments at Golgotha, Jesus had dedicated his life fully to God’s plan for him. There is no secret, no magic formula, or instant grace for us to stand up and yell ‘FATHER INTO YOUR HANDS I COMMEND MY SPIRIT.’ We make the choice every minute of every day who we are going to be and what we are going to believe in. We will know by the turmoil or peace in our hearts if we are commending our spirits. We must live our lives commended as Christ did, the choices we make; what we do and fail to do; dictate your level of trust and surrender to what God calls you to be.
We must trust as Christ did, fully believing that God is constantly at work for our good if we love him. We need to build up this trust; we need to earn the trust and respect that God has given us. We must trust through doubts and fear, as Christ did at Gethsemane. We must rededicate ourselves every day no matter the circumstance, we must trust through our lives so that at our end we can use our final breath to commend ourselves for the final time.
Jesus Christ gave his last full measure of devotion to the will of God. Total trust, even in the face of torture, death, and uncertainty. Christ was human, he came to show us that we can do it. We have been shown the way by all those Saints who have come before us. Ultimately we must trust our God because he knows us, he knew us before we were, he knows what we are meant to be. We are called to live our lives for the fullness of the grace and gifts we have been given by our existence. To do this, we must trust in our God, commend our lives daily to him whatever the cost, and mind the gap between our plans and God’s. Trust in tomorrow, the sun will rise. Trust in hope, we will be saved. Trust in your Father, you will be rewarded. Let go, your path will be lit before you. Commend your spirit every moment, and you will find your purpose.
Sunrise in South Orange - A Poem after an all-nighter
This morning I watched the sunrise in South Orange… I saw it creep over the hills and break the night with its first rays. I saw it cast illumination on the concrete and frozen ground surrounding me. As I sat on a wooden bench riveted to the ground and felt the first breath of warmth, I felt completely at peace. Peace. Peace with my place in the universe, a sensation as the last man on earth, completely free of all cares or obligations. For that moment I felt as though I fit into the puzzle, whatever its ultimate shape might be.
But the sun rose. And I was not alone. I existed for a moment a man devoid of longing or search for purpose. But the sun rose, and the first cars began to glide by on South Orange Ave. The first lights of the buildings begin to go on, silent sentinels calling me back to the reality in a way nature cannot. The awareness of my reality was all too striking, and I was again a man without his place in the world. I existed merely as another number, another face, with nothing driving but the conveyer belt. As the first people began to trickle out of their dreamless sleeps or restless nights, I became acutely aware of the missing piece. A puzzle with pieces facedown, with no guides or markers.
Now I sit in a cafeteria chair, row upon row, perfectly ordered before the chaos of the day. Order, but beauty in the slight imperfections of a hasty rearranging before the dawn. Where does this leave me, an hour from my exam? Without an answer, without purpose. Feeling jumbled, hastily tossed into the wrong box where I will never find the perfection or beauty of knowing exactly where I fit. Yet, there is hope. The sun did rise. I am still in this world, though maybe not where I believe I ought to be. So I am again left as the seeker. I am tired now. Tired of seeking, tired of crashing and rising tides. But the sun did rise. And I am still in this world. Now I must find reason, I must find trust. Trust that I am not by accident.
Existing in Glass boxes. See the others, unable to touch. See the paths, unable to change course. Scream. Nothing. Is it breakable? Breakable by courage. Breakable by longing. Breakable by love.
Seems too easy. Seems too hard.
Now its no longer quiet, I am among the jumble. Someday? Hope. The sun did rise. I am still in this world.
But the sun rose. And I was not alone. I existed for a moment a man devoid of longing or search for purpose. But the sun rose, and the first cars began to glide by on South Orange Ave. The first lights of the buildings begin to go on, silent sentinels calling me back to the reality in a way nature cannot. The awareness of my reality was all too striking, and I was again a man without his place in the world. I existed merely as another number, another face, with nothing driving but the conveyer belt. As the first people began to trickle out of their dreamless sleeps or restless nights, I became acutely aware of the missing piece. A puzzle with pieces facedown, with no guides or markers.
Now I sit in a cafeteria chair, row upon row, perfectly ordered before the chaos of the day. Order, but beauty in the slight imperfections of a hasty rearranging before the dawn. Where does this leave me, an hour from my exam? Without an answer, without purpose. Feeling jumbled, hastily tossed into the wrong box where I will never find the perfection or beauty of knowing exactly where I fit. Yet, there is hope. The sun did rise. I am still in this world, though maybe not where I believe I ought to be. So I am again left as the seeker. I am tired now. Tired of seeking, tired of crashing and rising tides. But the sun did rise. And I am still in this world. Now I must find reason, I must find trust. Trust that I am not by accident.
Existing in Glass boxes. See the others, unable to touch. See the paths, unable to change course. Scream. Nothing. Is it breakable? Breakable by courage. Breakable by longing. Breakable by love.
Seems too easy. Seems too hard.
Now its no longer quiet, I am among the jumble. Someday? Hope. The sun did rise. I am still in this world.
Thomas Merton Series
Below are a few selections of writings I did while taking a college course on Thomas Merton. They tend toward academic style, so reader beware.
Meditation and Thomas Merton
Thomas Merton’s meditation is one that appears to be meant to put someone into a prayerful state of mind. The meditation he advocates in his letters is that of the seeker, of the one searching to fill the void by connecting with the presence of the divine source within. God lives in each of us according to Merton, and the quieting of one’s mind and heart allows that piece of your soul to speak and connect, giving you insight and hope. There is life beyond the hustle and bustle and it occurs to me that perhaps only with silent reflection can we truly step out of our routines that cloud us so from our Lord. Even prescribed prayer can become just another routine, knowing what to say, when to say it, and understanding none of it. Yet by trying to truly calm ourselves and to listen, we can become aware of God and allow him to guide our thoughts to his will. Becoming aware of this is becoming aware of the love that religious faiths profess is God. The sense of hope when I can become aware of that presence is riveting and powerful. This is the ‘real world’ that Merton speaks of. The reality of the world not measured by scientific observation or put into systems and classifications. Rather it is the acknowledgement that we are all ‘unique doors’ into the world of the divine, that we were created with purpose. This concept of the door is true because it may remain shut within, and perhaps lie dormant for our whole lives, but if we do not allow the exploration of self to uncover this door, our lives are but a mere shadow of what they are meant to be, and even are. Man is infused body and soul, Merton’s reality is that we must become aware of the harmony of both, which is exceedingly difficult in a material world. Where meditation plays is in the fact that it allows one to truly explore the less taken road into introspection and the discovery of the presence of God within us, and all the fruits that it yields.
Complexity Theory and Thomas Merton
Complexity theory is a theory that has several characteristics that seem to parallel some of Thomas Merton’s actual life experience as well as his approach to the study of spirituality and contemplative prayer. There are three characteristics that seem particularly relevant to grasping the seemingly paradoxical and intriguing Merton. These are; the nature of complexity as interdisciplinary; hologramism; and chaos.
Merton typifies interdisciplinary connection. His extensive studies of other faith traditions, as well as political and social issues make it apparent that he transcended the typical cloistered Catholic monk. His later writings on social and political issues that led to many problems with the religious establishment underline this ability to take spiritual and personal truths and throw them into the secular world with an understanding of their implications. His work “Toward a Theology of Resistance” seemed to best show this understanding. In it he writes of violence, imperialism, and abuse of power. He harkens to the Papal writing of John XXIII to take a veiled shot at the use of military and political power by saying that without justice, the establishment is a band of robbers. He writes about the intervention of America in parts of the world in a scathing manner and claims that patriotism cannot override morality. Merton’s dabbling into political issues is but one example of the reach of his mind.
Another characteristic found in Merton’s hologramistic way of looking at spirituality. In his writing “Fully Awake, Fully Aware” he writes about the contemplative spirituality. This sense of being fully awake is in being in contact with the source in the basest level within in prayer while seeing the world and life itself through eyes that can see the divine and spirit in the things of the world. This kind of thinking seems to suggest that to fully know God, one must understand God in the smallest and most personal level in our own hearts. Yet this would be incomplete without understanding the greater plan of God and God’s influence and workings in the greater world and those who live in it. Like hologramism, one must find God personally to understand the divine workings of God in the world and to know God personally within us, we must find God in the world at large. Know the larger by understanding the smaller and vise versa. Merton would probably suggest that this is the only way to attain full spirituality.
The final characteristic I think Merton represents is chaos. Merton seemed to accept the hand of chaos in life, and be at ease with uncertainty. His life was chaotic in that he went from a womanizing drinker to a hermit and monk. His journals reflect his acceptance of chaotic movements in his life, and his letting go of trying to control and will his desires into being. In his journal of Nov. 28, 1941, Merton wrote “What a lie and crazy deception that is to be self-reliant is to be strong and smart; to be self-reliant will get you through all your problems.” This journal entry was written shortly before he made the choice to join the monastery. I think this represents Merton’s realization that there are forces in the world that were fully out of his control, and that to believe that he was in full control of his life was nothing but an absurdity. Merton’s chaos however was a guided one, guided by the grace and hand of God. Yet it is still important to realize that Merton gave up the belief that he could predict the course of his life or to even will things into existence, because ultimately, another will would be done. To the non-believer this is chaos, to Merton this was God. The complex theory’s paradoxical ordered chaos.
Merton typifies interdisciplinary connection. His extensive studies of other faith traditions, as well as political and social issues make it apparent that he transcended the typical cloistered Catholic monk. His later writings on social and political issues that led to many problems with the religious establishment underline this ability to take spiritual and personal truths and throw them into the secular world with an understanding of their implications. His work “Toward a Theology of Resistance” seemed to best show this understanding. In it he writes of violence, imperialism, and abuse of power. He harkens to the Papal writing of John XXIII to take a veiled shot at the use of military and political power by saying that without justice, the establishment is a band of robbers. He writes about the intervention of America in parts of the world in a scathing manner and claims that patriotism cannot override morality. Merton’s dabbling into political issues is but one example of the reach of his mind.
Another characteristic found in Merton’s hologramistic way of looking at spirituality. In his writing “Fully Awake, Fully Aware” he writes about the contemplative spirituality. This sense of being fully awake is in being in contact with the source in the basest level within in prayer while seeing the world and life itself through eyes that can see the divine and spirit in the things of the world. This kind of thinking seems to suggest that to fully know God, one must understand God in the smallest and most personal level in our own hearts. Yet this would be incomplete without understanding the greater plan of God and God’s influence and workings in the greater world and those who live in it. Like hologramism, one must find God personally to understand the divine workings of God in the world and to know God personally within us, we must find God in the world at large. Know the larger by understanding the smaller and vise versa. Merton would probably suggest that this is the only way to attain full spirituality.
The final characteristic I think Merton represents is chaos. Merton seemed to accept the hand of chaos in life, and be at ease with uncertainty. His life was chaotic in that he went from a womanizing drinker to a hermit and monk. His journals reflect his acceptance of chaotic movements in his life, and his letting go of trying to control and will his desires into being. In his journal of Nov. 28, 1941, Merton wrote “What a lie and crazy deception that is to be self-reliant is to be strong and smart; to be self-reliant will get you through all your problems.” This journal entry was written shortly before he made the choice to join the monastery. I think this represents Merton’s realization that there are forces in the world that were fully out of his control, and that to believe that he was in full control of his life was nothing but an absurdity. Merton’s chaos however was a guided one, guided by the grace and hand of God. Yet it is still important to realize that Merton gave up the belief that he could predict the course of his life or to even will things into existence, because ultimately, another will would be done. To the non-believer this is chaos, to Merton this was God. The complex theory’s paradoxical ordered chaos.
"Entering the School of Your Own Life" and Thomas Merton
“Entering into the School of Your Own Life” was a phrase taken from Thomas Merton’s Our Monastic Observances for the monks at Gethsemani. He uses the ‘school of our lives’ metaphor to expose a truth about the way in which we should approach our lives as a learning tool. Merton’s meditation called for the attempt to be fully aware of our lives and use our experiences as meditations on what it means to be human in the dimensions of ourselves. Life itself can be a full source of wisdom in our life experiences, and if we approach living our lives as meditation, we can further tap into that experience to come to know ourselves and the providence in the world.
Merton advised his monks to “enter deeply into the school of life itself, to make the monk’s whole life a meditation, a learning from God, a school of wisdom…” In Merton’s view of this, the key element of viewing life as a school and meditation is the human connection with God. By entering into meditations on life itself, and approaching life in this way, Merton hoped to make one aware of their ultimate purpose. This purpose for Merton was the humble submission to the will of the Father and living life with the wisdom that God had afforded him. By truly seeking to learn from life itself, Merton hoped that his monks would remain in a spiritual mindset and be aware of divine love that if unstudied fades away into memory. He also hoped for the response of the devoted faithful, aware of God’s presence and the implications of their actions. Ultimately it seems to me that ‘entering into the school of your life’ is about becoming aware of your life and seeking through living to find God’s plan for you and the wisdom of all the experiences and thoughts that lead to the ultimate truth.
It seems that the focal point of this view is the introspection that is possible by simplicity. By living and thinking relatively simply and being aware of ourselves in the mindset of submission to the eyes of God, Merton suggests that we can learn of the truths of God and our relation and purpose living for God. St. Francis Assisi was once quoted saying “preach the Gospel everywhere, when necessary use words.” I believe that is precisely what Merton means by entering the school, being fully conscious of living our lives as close as we can to the will of God and thus learning more and more through concrete experience the fullness of wisdom and grace that is offered by life from God.
This style of life seems to be completely at odds with the general way that I was taught to approach life. I feel that Catholic Schools ruined my early spirituality and caused my departure from God for most of my teenaged years. In that setting of religion, God’s truth was boiled down into textbooks and appearances, with no thought for the reality of God’s intimate connection within every person. Instead I was taught to say this or that in prayer, and to study not my own spiritual experience, but that of others in a school setting. When there is no consideration for how God works in your personal life or what God’s will may be for each individual, there is a distancing that occurs wherein the image of God becomes one of the great bearded man in the sky, and the ordinary divine presence is lost in the shuffle. Not until I began to do spiritual exploration on my own have I truly managed to come to the realization that the truth is found in the divine life in each person and that God’s relationship to us is a very personal one, and therefore his truth must be found within my own relationship with him.
I think that Merton’s most poignant point about life is that we must each become aware of God’s life in us, that personal investment. By searching for God in the most simplistic ways in our lives is where we will ultimately find God’s truth and become aware of his unique will for each of us.
Merton advised his monks to “enter deeply into the school of life itself, to make the monk’s whole life a meditation, a learning from God, a school of wisdom…” In Merton’s view of this, the key element of viewing life as a school and meditation is the human connection with God. By entering into meditations on life itself, and approaching life in this way, Merton hoped to make one aware of their ultimate purpose. This purpose for Merton was the humble submission to the will of the Father and living life with the wisdom that God had afforded him. By truly seeking to learn from life itself, Merton hoped that his monks would remain in a spiritual mindset and be aware of divine love that if unstudied fades away into memory. He also hoped for the response of the devoted faithful, aware of God’s presence and the implications of their actions. Ultimately it seems to me that ‘entering into the school of your life’ is about becoming aware of your life and seeking through living to find God’s plan for you and the wisdom of all the experiences and thoughts that lead to the ultimate truth.
It seems that the focal point of this view is the introspection that is possible by simplicity. By living and thinking relatively simply and being aware of ourselves in the mindset of submission to the eyes of God, Merton suggests that we can learn of the truths of God and our relation and purpose living for God. St. Francis Assisi was once quoted saying “preach the Gospel everywhere, when necessary use words.” I believe that is precisely what Merton means by entering the school, being fully conscious of living our lives as close as we can to the will of God and thus learning more and more through concrete experience the fullness of wisdom and grace that is offered by life from God.
This style of life seems to be completely at odds with the general way that I was taught to approach life. I feel that Catholic Schools ruined my early spirituality and caused my departure from God for most of my teenaged years. In that setting of religion, God’s truth was boiled down into textbooks and appearances, with no thought for the reality of God’s intimate connection within every person. Instead I was taught to say this or that in prayer, and to study not my own spiritual experience, but that of others in a school setting. When there is no consideration for how God works in your personal life or what God’s will may be for each individual, there is a distancing that occurs wherein the image of God becomes one of the great bearded man in the sky, and the ordinary divine presence is lost in the shuffle. Not until I began to do spiritual exploration on my own have I truly managed to come to the realization that the truth is found in the divine life in each person and that God’s relationship to us is a very personal one, and therefore his truth must be found within my own relationship with him.
I think that Merton’s most poignant point about life is that we must each become aware of God’s life in us, that personal investment. By searching for God in the most simplistic ways in our lives is where we will ultimately find God’s truth and become aware of his unique will for each of us.
"Le Pointe Vierge" and Thomas Merton
Merton’s concept of “Le Point Vierge” refers to the innermost point of ourselves in which we can encounter God. For the religious or spiritual man, this is the ultimate actualization of the relationship between man and his creator. Catholics, such as Merton, believe that man was made in the image and likeness of God, this meaning that we have intellect and will. Logically it follows that in order to posses this freedom and enjoy the grace we are given, we must have a way to connect with the source. This piece of God within us, this communicatory capacity given to us by our unique creation is what Merton called the ‘virgin point.’
This is a nice concept on paper to discuss in a philosophical sense, but it has many real implications on our own spirituality and our purpose in life. Man’s life is ultimately a search for purpose, some greater meaning to our existence. Some people look to their careers, their accomplishments, and other worldly things to find their purpose. Merton suggests (and I am inclined to agree) that this search for meaning is an inner search for the divine in each of us, represented by this concept of the ‘virgin point.’ The life of Thomas Merton was spent in quest of reaching the level of self-awareness where he would be able to communicate fully with his God. He warned that the road to finding it would be obstructed by ‘confusion; indistinction; immersion in the common, nondescript, trivial, sordid, and evanescent.’ Because of all of the obstacles man faces from realizing the level of self that can be aware of the divine presence, Merton’s path brought him a different way than most. His style of contemplation turned him into a true seeker, and this dedication of self to the search was fueled by his concept of God.
Merton wrote that ‘Our discovery of God is, in a way, God’s discovery of us.’ In God’s fullness of knowledge and awareness, he is truly able to sense and know every one of us. In that sense God must and does discover us before we can find him. The entire focus of getting your mind and heart to the ‘point’ is to come to the realization that everything we are is because of God’s love for us and his gift to us. By opening ourselves to God, we allow him to enter our lives and we in turn find him, and he will always discover us; it remains for us to discover him. Persons of faith and convictions such as Thomas Merton spend their entire lives in search of the perfect prayer, the source from within where we can be fully aware of God’s presence and God can fully enter into our lives. Underneath everything that we project or believe of our self image lies the ‘virgin point’ for which we were created and for which we are called to seek. Merton spent his years as a monk in search of this truth through contemplation and the testing and arduous process of mining through all the distractions and obstacles to the deep point where we may truly encounter God through ourselves in the way we were made for.
This is a nice concept on paper to discuss in a philosophical sense, but it has many real implications on our own spirituality and our purpose in life. Man’s life is ultimately a search for purpose, some greater meaning to our existence. Some people look to their careers, their accomplishments, and other worldly things to find their purpose. Merton suggests (and I am inclined to agree) that this search for meaning is an inner search for the divine in each of us, represented by this concept of the ‘virgin point.’ The life of Thomas Merton was spent in quest of reaching the level of self-awareness where he would be able to communicate fully with his God. He warned that the road to finding it would be obstructed by ‘confusion; indistinction; immersion in the common, nondescript, trivial, sordid, and evanescent.’ Because of all of the obstacles man faces from realizing the level of self that can be aware of the divine presence, Merton’s path brought him a different way than most. His style of contemplation turned him into a true seeker, and this dedication of self to the search was fueled by his concept of God.
Merton wrote that ‘Our discovery of God is, in a way, God’s discovery of us.’ In God’s fullness of knowledge and awareness, he is truly able to sense and know every one of us. In that sense God must and does discover us before we can find him. The entire focus of getting your mind and heart to the ‘point’ is to come to the realization that everything we are is because of God’s love for us and his gift to us. By opening ourselves to God, we allow him to enter our lives and we in turn find him, and he will always discover us; it remains for us to discover him. Persons of faith and convictions such as Thomas Merton spend their entire lives in search of the perfect prayer, the source from within where we can be fully aware of God’s presence and God can fully enter into our lives. Underneath everything that we project or believe of our self image lies the ‘virgin point’ for which we were created and for which we are called to seek. Merton spent his years as a monk in search of this truth through contemplation and the testing and arduous process of mining through all the distractions and obstacles to the deep point where we may truly encounter God through ourselves in the way we were made for.
The Death of God and Thomas Merton
The concept of ‘The Death of God” is one that has had different meanings throughout history. For most it is the belief that came about in the Enlightenment that God was in fact dead, that he had merely set the universe in motion but no longer exists in the sense that he is manifest in supernatural form or present currently in the world we live in. Yet “death of God theology” is a completely different approach to the same terminology. The concept behind “death of God theology” is that man “lacks the capacity to experience and apprehend religious thought and concepts of God.” The point relies on the axiom that “man is unable to have an authentic religious experience that is not an experience of God’s absence.” Therefore, believers in this theology claim that traditional theology has not only failed, but has alienated modern man and made it more difficult for people to find meaning in the concept of God.
The meat of this argument against traditional theology is what is seen as the ‘packaging’ of God into terms that can be used for man’s purpose and even manipulation. The difficulty lies in the conceptualization of God, the impossibility to make propositions about God that do not become in a way tailored to fit a specific purpose. For example, Merton writes of the conceptualization that western culture is God’s culture and that western man has become the manifestation of God (at least in their minds) and that the only way to salvation for peoples is in culturally and religiously ‘westernizing’ them. What then comes into play is the existence of Church in history as institution, and the dogmatic interpretations that come from the perceived need to fill a political position or further an agenda. The entanglement of matters of Church with matters of state is what Merton described as God being drafted to fight a war; with Church authorities supporting war efforts of governments in two World Wars. This aligning religious faithfulness with nationalism is one of the points that Merton seems inclined to agree with the argument for a “death of God theology.”
Yet Merton, and myself, find this theology unmoving and unhelpful. The main argument against this theology is that its main issue seems to be with the institutional church, and as Merton described it often is a sophomoric attack on clergy and organized religion in its collaboration with the cultural problems of western society. Merton also sees the problem that the “death of God theology” plays even more into a sense of secular Christianity that ascends even further into a nationalistic feeling, and as Merton puts it “renders everything to Caesar.” Personally, I see the belief in the “death of God theology” as missing the fundamental truths that religion of many kinds has to offer. Man has the capacity to, and often do, have significant and authentic religious experiences of God’s presence in our world. To throw out the notion of religious experience because of what seem to be mostly political reasons is to deny the fundamental truths that countless generations have come to realize. Merton called to disentangle Christianity with the crisis of western civilization, and I think that it is a good place to start in order to prevent the continual draft of God into service of political agenda. Far from the nationalistic calls of “Manifest Destiny” and “God-Ordained America,” traditional theology of Christianity and other faiths all point to a fundamental truth, that God is present in our world and we can all experience the divine authentically in our lives.
The meat of this argument against traditional theology is what is seen as the ‘packaging’ of God into terms that can be used for man’s purpose and even manipulation. The difficulty lies in the conceptualization of God, the impossibility to make propositions about God that do not become in a way tailored to fit a specific purpose. For example, Merton writes of the conceptualization that western culture is God’s culture and that western man has become the manifestation of God (at least in their minds) and that the only way to salvation for peoples is in culturally and religiously ‘westernizing’ them. What then comes into play is the existence of Church in history as institution, and the dogmatic interpretations that come from the perceived need to fill a political position or further an agenda. The entanglement of matters of Church with matters of state is what Merton described as God being drafted to fight a war; with Church authorities supporting war efforts of governments in two World Wars. This aligning religious faithfulness with nationalism is one of the points that Merton seems inclined to agree with the argument for a “death of God theology.”
Yet Merton, and myself, find this theology unmoving and unhelpful. The main argument against this theology is that its main issue seems to be with the institutional church, and as Merton described it often is a sophomoric attack on clergy and organized religion in its collaboration with the cultural problems of western society. Merton also sees the problem that the “death of God theology” plays even more into a sense of secular Christianity that ascends even further into a nationalistic feeling, and as Merton puts it “renders everything to Caesar.” Personally, I see the belief in the “death of God theology” as missing the fundamental truths that religion of many kinds has to offer. Man has the capacity to, and often do, have significant and authentic religious experiences of God’s presence in our world. To throw out the notion of religious experience because of what seem to be mostly political reasons is to deny the fundamental truths that countless generations have come to realize. Merton called to disentangle Christianity with the crisis of western civilization, and I think that it is a good place to start in order to prevent the continual draft of God into service of political agenda. Far from the nationalistic calls of “Manifest Destiny” and “God-Ordained America,” traditional theology of Christianity and other faiths all point to a fundamental truth, that God is present in our world and we can all experience the divine authentically in our lives.
Metanoia and Thomas Merton
Most children growing up hear the old wisdom “You can’t run from your problems.” Thomas Merton wrote in his Seven Storey Mountain about this for generations who have chosen to forget. The new wisdom from Merton is quoted saying “The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most…” Merton suggests that the more people run from their sufferings and avoid them, the more the small and insignificant begins to torture them. The final stage of this becomes an existence that is itself an intense source of pain and suffering.
This final point of suffering is where the concept of metanoia begins. Metanoia is a term that ultimately describes a choice. There comes a point; brought on by tragedy, suffering, a chaotic event, emotional upheaval, a gradual decline, or other sources; where a person stands at a crossroads. One path is simply a cliff overlooking a precipice and the other is a path going a completely opposite way. The choice is either new life or death. While it may seem a simple one, it is not that easy, many people will choose self destruction. If a person chooses metanoia it requires a complete overhaul of the person’s being and a redefinition of self, a rebuilding of all desires, viewpoints, and beliefs.
But how does one fall to this point, careening that out of control that they can no longer survive walking their chosen road? Merton hits the nail on the head. I have previously written that the human existence is defined by an innate longing for wholeness, and the suffering that comes with not being able to achieve the peace and wholeness we are meant for. While metanoia is also applicable to those who have strong religious beliefs, and does occur, my personal experience and therefore strongest vantage point comes from a secular experience. Thomas Merton talks of people trying to avoid suffering, and the pain that it causes. I fully agree with his assessment of human experience. In the search for fulfillment, many (including me) have turned to anything and everything to avoid what we perceive as pain and obstacles to our happiness. In choosing the paths of least resistance in relationships and responsibilities, people may seek to stave off the true feelings of helplessness and aloneness that every person has encountered. Engaging in a constant slew of diversionary tactics such as drinking, drug use, sex, work, and a plethora of other things helps to hold off the suffering, running from the truth of what we were created for.
These people suffer the most, because part of the truth of life is that we need to embrace our suffering and build ourselves through it. We will always have our proverbial crosses to bear and if we don’t face them and carry them we cannot grow. The more we choose to carry the burden, the lighter the loads become as we grow in spiritual strength. The more we eschew our sufferings and run from our suffering that life presents us with, the heavier and harder the menial tasks become, until the mere act of living day to day becomes an unbearable burden. Merton understood from experience the truth of this, and he warned the next people who sought to climb the mountain.
Metanoia holds a special place in my life, and Merton’s quote holds very true for me. I’ve been to the metanoia point, through total fault of my own and unwillingness to grow in the way I was meant for. I’ve given testimony talks and talked of this concept of embracing the sufferings and deciding to stop running from the life I was meant to live and the hope and peace that comes with keeping the small truly small. Merton found his new life and new hope from the floor of pubs, his metanoia point. Merton chose to have new life, he chose to cherish his existence and to let go of the constant fear of the trivial and hopelessness of life on the lam from peace.
This final point of suffering is where the concept of metanoia begins. Metanoia is a term that ultimately describes a choice. There comes a point; brought on by tragedy, suffering, a chaotic event, emotional upheaval, a gradual decline, or other sources; where a person stands at a crossroads. One path is simply a cliff overlooking a precipice and the other is a path going a completely opposite way. The choice is either new life or death. While it may seem a simple one, it is not that easy, many people will choose self destruction. If a person chooses metanoia it requires a complete overhaul of the person’s being and a redefinition of self, a rebuilding of all desires, viewpoints, and beliefs.
But how does one fall to this point, careening that out of control that they can no longer survive walking their chosen road? Merton hits the nail on the head. I have previously written that the human existence is defined by an innate longing for wholeness, and the suffering that comes with not being able to achieve the peace and wholeness we are meant for. While metanoia is also applicable to those who have strong religious beliefs, and does occur, my personal experience and therefore strongest vantage point comes from a secular experience. Thomas Merton talks of people trying to avoid suffering, and the pain that it causes. I fully agree with his assessment of human experience. In the search for fulfillment, many (including me) have turned to anything and everything to avoid what we perceive as pain and obstacles to our happiness. In choosing the paths of least resistance in relationships and responsibilities, people may seek to stave off the true feelings of helplessness and aloneness that every person has encountered. Engaging in a constant slew of diversionary tactics such as drinking, drug use, sex, work, and a plethora of other things helps to hold off the suffering, running from the truth of what we were created for.
These people suffer the most, because part of the truth of life is that we need to embrace our suffering and build ourselves through it. We will always have our proverbial crosses to bear and if we don’t face them and carry them we cannot grow. The more we choose to carry the burden, the lighter the loads become as we grow in spiritual strength. The more we eschew our sufferings and run from our suffering that life presents us with, the heavier and harder the menial tasks become, until the mere act of living day to day becomes an unbearable burden. Merton understood from experience the truth of this, and he warned the next people who sought to climb the mountain.
Metanoia holds a special place in my life, and Merton’s quote holds very true for me. I’ve been to the metanoia point, through total fault of my own and unwillingness to grow in the way I was meant for. I’ve given testimony talks and talked of this concept of embracing the sufferings and deciding to stop running from the life I was meant to live and the hope and peace that comes with keeping the small truly small. Merton found his new life and new hope from the floor of pubs, his metanoia point. Merton chose to have new life, he chose to cherish his existence and to let go of the constant fear of the trivial and hopelessness of life on the lam from peace.
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Hello to all those who choose to read this blog. This is where I will post whatever writings I feel moved to share with whomever chooses to read them. All of the writings are from me, reflect my opinions and beliefs, and are not affiliated with anything or anyone other than myself and my spirituality.
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Peace to you.
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